I have been here since August 15 or so and have yet to find a church I want to visit for a second time. For the first few weeks - I didn't want to "do church" at all. I spent six years going to WAY too much church - so I took a little break. I went to the beach instead, or slept. I started visiting again in September, but so far, I am still not satisfied. What is wrong with me? Why can't I just be content with a place with worship and preaching? I have left one service just after the announcements and wanted to leave during the sermon today. I am frustrated with the show of things. Frustrated with being programmed. I don't like the coffeehouse church that is trying so hard to be casual that it feels pretend. I don't like just going and reading prayers. Ugh.
And after reading so much Women's Studies in Religion articles, I am sick of hearing about men in church (i.e. "Women are never the head"). Even today - the preacher was so glad that the men of the church were getting ideas for new ministries. The women had their big event coming up - where they make waffles made to order for everyone in the church. Cooking and serving - sound new to you?
I had an experience this summer that has been on my mind. I was at Oxford for our summer class and we visited London for a day. We went to see Westminster Abbey. It was gorgeous - beyond description. There were so many people inside that it was suffocating - tourists taking pics of the floors, walls, etc. The priest would call everyone to a moment of prayer at the hour but hardly anyone stopped to actually pray. I felt sick to my stomach. Rita suggested we find a quiet chapel for prayer. There is one that you can enter if you know to ask for it. We went in there to pray. The door closed behind us and shut out all the noise and hoopla. It was a small room with about 10 wooden chairs. There was an icon of Mary on the wall and a single red candle burning. It was silent and so peaceful.
I told God that the scene outside made me ill, thoroughly disgusted. I remember hearing God say that my worship had become like those people - that it was all a show. That God was as disgusted with my showy worship as I was with the tourists. It broke me. I resolved that I would seek the small chapel kind of worship with God this year. But I haven't found it yet. Simple. Quiet. Peaceful. Just the presence of God.
Will I find that in reality? Will my soul be dissatisfied until I do? I hope so - to both.
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I hear you. I was really happy that CGU had the McAllister center, because I pictured it as just that - a beautiful, simple, serene place where all people can go to worship God/pray/meditate. It's not exactly as I hoped though. I'm not sure how to break down the performativity of religion aside from being almost blatantly honest about ourselves in church and letting God be the authority instead of the church admin. directing the service. But that's hard to do when everything is so regulated. Sigh. Really, all I want is an exquisitely beautiful, rustic, stain-glass window chapel where I can go to open up to God. The Dennison Library comes close, but. . . it's a library.
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