Breathless

I started working on index cards to study for comps. I take a stack of about 20 cards, spend the day the library and find as much as I can on each topic. Tedious. Slow, slow progress, but I have to start now instead of waiting until summer. I am in the "c's" today and was looking up Charlemagne. I read about his personal biographer, Einhard, and the CGU library had the book he wrote. I was excited to go find it. When I reached for it - I think my heart skipped a beat, my breathing sped up just a little. I realized that I was about to read the actual words written in the 800s. It struck me that it is amazing we can go to the actual source of so many crucial people - read the words they wrote. Words that changed and shaped generations of people - and even shaped me in some ways. We can read what Plato wrote - not just the commentaries on him.
Einhard was a friend and contemporary of Charlemagne. Had conversations with him. Knew what he looked like day-to-day.

Then I thought of scripture.

We have the actual testimonies of people who walked with Jesus. They knew him face to face. They had conversations with him and heard him laugh. We have stories from Moses about what actually happened on the way out of Egypt. We don't just have to read commentaries. We can read it from people who were actually there.

It should make you a little breathless too.

My Thanks

How trendy to give thanks at thanksgiving...

I went to a worship service on campus tonight - all undergrads from the five colleges. I'm sure I was the only CGU person. They got up to speak their thanks. I kept thinking of things I would say, and decided to blog them instead.

I am thankful...
- for the students that made ministry so amazing in Texas. I missed them tonight. I'll miss being at the College Retreat in January. I saw so many Asian students, I felt right at home (besides being the oldest in the room)
- that I have had a whole semester free of paid-work. I have been free of so many obligations - it is incredible.
- for my family that I won't get to see at Thanksgiving. For my adoptive family out here that has invited me over for great food and the Texas game.
- for friends that have been by my side with this new journey (despite the time change struggles)
- for a new circle of friends that have lunch, go to beaches, go to movies, sit and laugh - what a gift you all are to me!
- that December 12 marks the END of my PhD coursework. Can you believe it??
- that hope cannot be killed, no matter how hard you try.

I hope your thanksgiving is full of peace.

Saturday

My friend LaChe has been such a good exploring buddy. We find cool beaches and try to find new things to do in SoCal. We went to the Getty yesterday - it was my second time there. It is a gorgeous building made of Italian marble, set up on a hillside in West LA. There are four buildings with exhibits and another for art research. We took books to study, but never did use them, of course. I needed some culture to feed my soul - and I found it. Monet's painting of Sunrise. This one painting looked like Psalm 23 - with a shepherd by still water. This one room had incredible paintings of women - one of a Greek procession. Another painting showed a scene of a man in the moonlight that drew me in - almost like I was there. What gifts these artists left us.

Over lunch, a demon bee terrorized my friend. I was brave though. I wanted to kill it, but she had some weird Buddhist love for the demon bee. So...I took a plastic cup and trapped it. Clever, huh? We could eat in peace and could stop moving tables to get away from the persistent insect.

Left around 3 to find the nearest beach - which was Santa Monica pier. Watched the sunset, saw the lifeguards rescue someone, watched the ferris wheel lights on the pier. Oh, and the parking meter did not give me change for my $5 - but rather stole it. Quite the money making scheme for the city.

On the way home, my GPS froze up. Completely would not respond. Now, how am I supposed to explore without a GPS?

Why So Dissatisfied?

I have been here since August 15 or so and have yet to find a church I want to visit for a second time. For the first few weeks - I didn't want to "do church" at all. I spent six years going to WAY too much church - so I took a little break. I went to the beach instead, or slept. I started visiting again in September, but so far, I am still not satisfied. What is wrong with me? Why can't I just be content with a place with worship and preaching? I have left one service just after the announcements and wanted to leave during the sermon today. I am frustrated with the show of things. Frustrated with being programmed. I don't like the coffeehouse church that is trying so hard to be casual that it feels pretend. I don't like just going and reading prayers. Ugh.

And after reading so much Women's Studies in Religion articles, I am sick of hearing about men in church (i.e. "Women are never the head"). Even today - the preacher was so glad that the men of the church were getting ideas for new ministries. The women had their big event coming up - where they make waffles made to order for everyone in the church. Cooking and serving - sound new to you?

I had an experience this summer that has been on my mind. I was at Oxford for our summer class and we visited London for a day. We went to see Westminster Abbey. It was gorgeous - beyond description. There were so many people inside that it was suffocating - tourists taking pics of the floors, walls, etc. The priest would call everyone to a moment of prayer at the hour but hardly anyone stopped to actually pray. I felt sick to my stomach. Rita suggested we find a quiet chapel for prayer. There is one that you can enter if you know to ask for it. We went in there to pray. The door closed behind us and shut out all the noise and hoopla. It was a small room with about 10 wooden chairs. There was an icon of Mary on the wall and a single red candle burning. It was silent and so peaceful.

I told God that the scene outside made me ill, thoroughly disgusted. I remember hearing God say that my worship had become like those people - that it was all a show. That God was as disgusted with my showy worship as I was with the tourists. It broke me. I resolved that I would seek the small chapel kind of worship with God this year. But I haven't found it yet. Simple. Quiet. Peaceful. Just the presence of God.

Will I find that in reality? Will my soul be dissatisfied until I do? I hope so - to both.

A New Day...

I am taking all of these classes in Women's Studies in Religion. They all talk about ways to make space for women in various religions. My own dissertation will relate to helping women progress in leadership in the Baptist church. I went to a discussion tonight with Rosemary Radford Ruether. She is one of the pioneer feminists in the area of religion, even back in the 60s. She has written so many books and is a legacy in her own right. We had a fireside chat with her, just as a small group. She described the struggle of feminists in Christianity since the 60s and it was fascinating. We have come so far! One of the men in the group asked about the current generation of women in conservative traditions that are making their way to leadership in unusually large numbers, but do not identify as feminists. I was reminded of the generation that does not hold to labels, does not align with denominations, but will be faithful to their call along the way. The older, traditional generation (even me in my own mind) wrestles with getting women into the male system, but these younger women are not fighting that same fight. I am intrigued.

The increasing fundamentalist control in the SBC is an example of what happens when a majority feels they are losing control. The rules get tighter, the watchful eyes get more intense, and women are further distanced from leadership. But they are trying to stop an unstoppable force! I left the meeting reaffirmed that no human can stop what God intends to do. Isn't that incredible?

So keep going. Keep seeking and following that call. Nothing can stop you if God is leading your way. I can pass comps. I can finish a PhD. I can find some avenue to rock the world with the love of Christ. I went to run on the treadmill and was able to run 20 minutes. Anything is possible. Rock on.

Heart Fatigue

I haven't been in "full-time ministry" since mid-August, when I left BGCT. It took me a good month to not feel like I was missing a meeting somewhere. This is my year of jubilee - my year to minister to myself the way I minister to others. It is November 11 and I am finally missing ministry, officially. The past few days I have been open to needs around me, feeling like there are so many hurts in the world. The last few weeks I have been burdened by horrible things that happen globally. Today, I just feel heavy. My heart, my head, my body. I feel weighed down by a million bricks. I heard a lecture by Christopher Hitchens, a noted anti-theist, and I left feeling even heavier.

I think this feeling of responsibility for the world is one I have had all my life. I let myself off the hook these last few months. Ultimately, because the world does NOT rest on my shoulders. Feeling like I am responsible for everyone else lets me feel special in some way. I do know that I am responsible for what God leads me to do. For the calling on my life, my days, my weeks.

So the burdens of these months have made my heart tired. I lay them down, one by one. I'll just name a few that have been on my mind. Sex trafficking, self-destructive lives of college students, people who live with no hope, the hate swirling around Prop 8 - from all sides, hatred of God, hatred done in the name of God.

What is God calling me to pick back up from the pile?

"Trust in Him at all times, O people; Pour out your heart before Him; God is a refuge for us" Psalm 62:8

Donkey story

This is a classic clash of cultures story - between Texas and California. I'm not sure if you can spot the donkeys in the pic here. This is the story. I was driving with a friend to her church, which winds through roads with lots of ranches. She told me that these wild donkeys live on the hillside and are allowed to roam freely. One local lady volunteered to fill barrels of water for them each day. They breed and sometimes overpopulate. When that happens, they (not sure who they are) gather up the extra donkeys. A notice is posted for local residents and people actually adopt the wild donkeys. Now...those of you from Texas...what did you think I was going to say after "they gather up the extra donkeys"? You thought they would kill them right? That is totally where I thought her story was going. My mind was tracking and I was shocked when she said they are adopted out. I said "you people are soft out here". I feel validated when I tell the story to fellow Texans and they ALSO assume that the donkeys are killed.

Isn't that kind - to adopt donkeys? They have trouble finding enough stray dogs for the pound to adopt out. The state voted in a proposition to allow more room for caged animals to turn around. How differently we think about animals in Texas!