Home for the holidays

I flew back to Texas on Tuesday. Got up at 3:30AM to make my 6AM flight. Crazy early. Ellen picked me up and we had lunch with Brian. They are the coolest little family. Mikayla has grown so much! Spent two nights at Ginger's house. She worked during the day so I took her car. I know I drove more in one day than I do in a week in Cali. Felt good to be back in Houston. Like home, like I never left somehow. I had to keep telling myself that "I don't live here anymore." Saw my friend Mary and caught up. Visited two pastors from my work with BGCT. So good to talk with them, not as their consultant. Things have changed so much in the ministry here. Lots to pray for the new person. Ate at Melting Pot with Ginger - amazing food! I am pretty sure we ate all the food they brought us. Then my sister came to bring me to East Texas. Got to see my nieces all day today. They missed me, still know and love me. It is a huge gift to be in their lives. Headed to Palestine soon. For Christmas :) Somehow I miss my friends in Cali at the same time. Living back in Texas in August seems more real now. Lots of great days ahead. Hope you have a rich holiday and know how blessed you are!

Hope for hope from the Message

Jer 29:11 I know what I'm doing. I have it all planned out--plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for.

Psa 62:5 God, the one and only-- I'll wait as long as he says. Everything I hope for comes from him, so why not?

Lam 3:20 - 26 I remember it all--oh, how well I remember-- the feeling of hitting the bottom. But there's one other thing I remember, and remembering, I keep a grip on hope: GOD's loyal love couldn't have run out, his merciful love couldn't have dried up. They're created new every morning. How great your faithfulness! I'm sticking with GOD (I say it over and over). He's all I've got left. GOD proves to be good to the man who passionately waits, to the woman who diligently seeks. It's a good thing to quietly hope, quietly hope for help from GOD.

Last day, last class of my phd career...

Today was completely surreal. I realized driving home last night that today at 1Pm would be my final hours of coursework for the PhD. I realize I still have mentoring to do in the summer, comps to pass and a dissertation to write. BUT - it is a milestone. I may not sit in another classroom as a student for another degree again! Hopefully I'll be the one teaching. I dressed up for our Christian fellowship party and just made it a day of parties. Went to Rosemary's class and had more party food. When the class ended, all I felt was tired. Like I could just go home and sleep. Instead, I worked out. Then hit the Religion party for dinner. Grilling steaks tomorrow night for the real celebration.
I journaled about my last 2.5 years - from the time I first heard about the program at DBU. To the interview. The call from Karen Bullock saying I was in. I will never forget that convo. The Dallas institute - a classmate called it PhD mission trip. It kind of was. The terror that was Stats I. The revival in Stats II. An amazing summer session in DC - possibly my fav part of the program overall. The untold number of drives I made to DBU, along with a packed weekend of work and LTI. Deciding to spend my third year somewhere else - and the miracle that was CGU. Oxford. And this semester.
How can I give enough thanks to God? To my family and friends. To my Grandma Margaret. I know there is still a ton of work ahead. But today - I rest in the knowledge that God is faithful and I can face anything. Anything.
Wherever you are - celebrate for me! Be glad, say a prayer of thanks to our sustaining God.

31 Days

I am celebrating Advent in a new way this year. I decided to make December the 31 days of letting go. Letting go of the old things, welcoming new things. So...each night when I journal, I decide on something that I need to truly release in my heart. I have these jumbo index cards for comps - definitely added to the retreat supply box :)

Yesterday was my first letting go experience. I write the thing on the top line and then journal how specifically I will let it go. Then I think of a scripture that will minister to that need, write it on the bottom of the card. Should have a nice collection by the end of the month. May not be something I can let people read though.

Today is day 2. I am letting go of present-tense language when I talk about BGCT. I keep saying "my students" and "our office". And I keep using the word "we" even though I have been gone from there since August. So tonight...I am letting go of this specific language.

Will I have enough things to let go of for 31 days? What will I have left then? Interesting.

Breathless

I started working on index cards to study for comps. I take a stack of about 20 cards, spend the day the library and find as much as I can on each topic. Tedious. Slow, slow progress, but I have to start now instead of waiting until summer. I am in the "c's" today and was looking up Charlemagne. I read about his personal biographer, Einhard, and the CGU library had the book he wrote. I was excited to go find it. When I reached for it - I think my heart skipped a beat, my breathing sped up just a little. I realized that I was about to read the actual words written in the 800s. It struck me that it is amazing we can go to the actual source of so many crucial people - read the words they wrote. Words that changed and shaped generations of people - and even shaped me in some ways. We can read what Plato wrote - not just the commentaries on him.
Einhard was a friend and contemporary of Charlemagne. Had conversations with him. Knew what he looked like day-to-day.

Then I thought of scripture.

We have the actual testimonies of people who walked with Jesus. They knew him face to face. They had conversations with him and heard him laugh. We have stories from Moses about what actually happened on the way out of Egypt. We don't just have to read commentaries. We can read it from people who were actually there.

It should make you a little breathless too.

My Thanks

How trendy to give thanks at thanksgiving...

I went to a worship service on campus tonight - all undergrads from the five colleges. I'm sure I was the only CGU person. They got up to speak their thanks. I kept thinking of things I would say, and decided to blog them instead.

I am thankful...
- for the students that made ministry so amazing in Texas. I missed them tonight. I'll miss being at the College Retreat in January. I saw so many Asian students, I felt right at home (besides being the oldest in the room)
- that I have had a whole semester free of paid-work. I have been free of so many obligations - it is incredible.
- for my family that I won't get to see at Thanksgiving. For my adoptive family out here that has invited me over for great food and the Texas game.
- for friends that have been by my side with this new journey (despite the time change struggles)
- for a new circle of friends that have lunch, go to beaches, go to movies, sit and laugh - what a gift you all are to me!
- that December 12 marks the END of my PhD coursework. Can you believe it??
- that hope cannot be killed, no matter how hard you try.

I hope your thanksgiving is full of peace.

Saturday

My friend LaChe has been such a good exploring buddy. We find cool beaches and try to find new things to do in SoCal. We went to the Getty yesterday - it was my second time there. It is a gorgeous building made of Italian marble, set up on a hillside in West LA. There are four buildings with exhibits and another for art research. We took books to study, but never did use them, of course. I needed some culture to feed my soul - and I found it. Monet's painting of Sunrise. This one painting looked like Psalm 23 - with a shepherd by still water. This one room had incredible paintings of women - one of a Greek procession. Another painting showed a scene of a man in the moonlight that drew me in - almost like I was there. What gifts these artists left us.

Over lunch, a demon bee terrorized my friend. I was brave though. I wanted to kill it, but she had some weird Buddhist love for the demon bee. So...I took a plastic cup and trapped it. Clever, huh? We could eat in peace and could stop moving tables to get away from the persistent insect.

Left around 3 to find the nearest beach - which was Santa Monica pier. Watched the sunset, saw the lifeguards rescue someone, watched the ferris wheel lights on the pier. Oh, and the parking meter did not give me change for my $5 - but rather stole it. Quite the money making scheme for the city.

On the way home, my GPS froze up. Completely would not respond. Now, how am I supposed to explore without a GPS?

Why So Dissatisfied?

I have been here since August 15 or so and have yet to find a church I want to visit for a second time. For the first few weeks - I didn't want to "do church" at all. I spent six years going to WAY too much church - so I took a little break. I went to the beach instead, or slept. I started visiting again in September, but so far, I am still not satisfied. What is wrong with me? Why can't I just be content with a place with worship and preaching? I have left one service just after the announcements and wanted to leave during the sermon today. I am frustrated with the show of things. Frustrated with being programmed. I don't like the coffeehouse church that is trying so hard to be casual that it feels pretend. I don't like just going and reading prayers. Ugh.

And after reading so much Women's Studies in Religion articles, I am sick of hearing about men in church (i.e. "Women are never the head"). Even today - the preacher was so glad that the men of the church were getting ideas for new ministries. The women had their big event coming up - where they make waffles made to order for everyone in the church. Cooking and serving - sound new to you?

I had an experience this summer that has been on my mind. I was at Oxford for our summer class and we visited London for a day. We went to see Westminster Abbey. It was gorgeous - beyond description. There were so many people inside that it was suffocating - tourists taking pics of the floors, walls, etc. The priest would call everyone to a moment of prayer at the hour but hardly anyone stopped to actually pray. I felt sick to my stomach. Rita suggested we find a quiet chapel for prayer. There is one that you can enter if you know to ask for it. We went in there to pray. The door closed behind us and shut out all the noise and hoopla. It was a small room with about 10 wooden chairs. There was an icon of Mary on the wall and a single red candle burning. It was silent and so peaceful.

I told God that the scene outside made me ill, thoroughly disgusted. I remember hearing God say that my worship had become like those people - that it was all a show. That God was as disgusted with my showy worship as I was with the tourists. It broke me. I resolved that I would seek the small chapel kind of worship with God this year. But I haven't found it yet. Simple. Quiet. Peaceful. Just the presence of God.

Will I find that in reality? Will my soul be dissatisfied until I do? I hope so - to both.

A New Day...

I am taking all of these classes in Women's Studies in Religion. They all talk about ways to make space for women in various religions. My own dissertation will relate to helping women progress in leadership in the Baptist church. I went to a discussion tonight with Rosemary Radford Ruether. She is one of the pioneer feminists in the area of religion, even back in the 60s. She has written so many books and is a legacy in her own right. We had a fireside chat with her, just as a small group. She described the struggle of feminists in Christianity since the 60s and it was fascinating. We have come so far! One of the men in the group asked about the current generation of women in conservative traditions that are making their way to leadership in unusually large numbers, but do not identify as feminists. I was reminded of the generation that does not hold to labels, does not align with denominations, but will be faithful to their call along the way. The older, traditional generation (even me in my own mind) wrestles with getting women into the male system, but these younger women are not fighting that same fight. I am intrigued.

The increasing fundamentalist control in the SBC is an example of what happens when a majority feels they are losing control. The rules get tighter, the watchful eyes get more intense, and women are further distanced from leadership. But they are trying to stop an unstoppable force! I left the meeting reaffirmed that no human can stop what God intends to do. Isn't that incredible?

So keep going. Keep seeking and following that call. Nothing can stop you if God is leading your way. I can pass comps. I can finish a PhD. I can find some avenue to rock the world with the love of Christ. I went to run on the treadmill and was able to run 20 minutes. Anything is possible. Rock on.

Heart Fatigue

I haven't been in "full-time ministry" since mid-August, when I left BGCT. It took me a good month to not feel like I was missing a meeting somewhere. This is my year of jubilee - my year to minister to myself the way I minister to others. It is November 11 and I am finally missing ministry, officially. The past few days I have been open to needs around me, feeling like there are so many hurts in the world. The last few weeks I have been burdened by horrible things that happen globally. Today, I just feel heavy. My heart, my head, my body. I feel weighed down by a million bricks. I heard a lecture by Christopher Hitchens, a noted anti-theist, and I left feeling even heavier.

I think this feeling of responsibility for the world is one I have had all my life. I let myself off the hook these last few months. Ultimately, because the world does NOT rest on my shoulders. Feeling like I am responsible for everyone else lets me feel special in some way. I do know that I am responsible for what God leads me to do. For the calling on my life, my days, my weeks.

So the burdens of these months have made my heart tired. I lay them down, one by one. I'll just name a few that have been on my mind. Sex trafficking, self-destructive lives of college students, people who live with no hope, the hate swirling around Prop 8 - from all sides, hatred of God, hatred done in the name of God.

What is God calling me to pick back up from the pile?

"Trust in Him at all times, O people; Pour out your heart before Him; God is a refuge for us" Psalm 62:8

Donkey story

This is a classic clash of cultures story - between Texas and California. I'm not sure if you can spot the donkeys in the pic here. This is the story. I was driving with a friend to her church, which winds through roads with lots of ranches. She told me that these wild donkeys live on the hillside and are allowed to roam freely. One local lady volunteered to fill barrels of water for them each day. They breed and sometimes overpopulate. When that happens, they (not sure who they are) gather up the extra donkeys. A notice is posted for local residents and people actually adopt the wild donkeys. Now...those of you from Texas...what did you think I was going to say after "they gather up the extra donkeys"? You thought they would kill them right? That is totally where I thought her story was going. My mind was tracking and I was shocked when she said they are adopted out. I said "you people are soft out here". I feel validated when I tell the story to fellow Texans and they ALSO assume that the donkeys are killed.

Isn't that kind - to adopt donkeys? They have trouble finding enough stray dogs for the pound to adopt out. The state voted in a proposition to allow more room for caged animals to turn around. How differently we think about animals in Texas!

Officially an Obama Convert

He is brilliant. Who else buys a half hour spot during prime time on every network channel and shows a video? Who else has the funds? He offers info by text. He is articulate. He loves his family. He speaks in a way that everyone can identify.

Obama prepared to be President, he didn't just stumble into the opportunity like McCain. I look at him from a leadership perspective. He has a vision that seems huge, but is definitely inspiring. He is willing to face hard issues like the economy and health care - which no one has really addressed in most of my life time.

I saw on the news last week when he sat down at a round table discussion with economists and actually ASKED for wisdom for the struggles. Humility is so important - what a refreshing change. Bush said he didn't care what a room full of university economists had to say about the bailout. Hmmm. I voted for Bush twice. I have voted straight ticket Rebulican my whole life - until now.

I am officially an Obama convert and proud of it!

The Grand Adventure

I decided in April that I would pursue classes outside of DBU, but had a long, long road getting ready to leave. I worked hard to plan the next semester of LTI, arrange camp dates, follow up on anything still undone in my ministry. I had camps and class at Oxford. And the packing, storing, driving to CA...finding a home, paying for class, the list went on. It seemed like it would never come. Now it is almost the end of October! The classes have been eye-opening. I've dabbled in feminist writings before, but now I get to go all in. I used to think there was only one kind of feminist - the kind that I was called at ETBU, maybe. But it turns out there is a wide range - a place for every woman to be a feminist of some version I believe.

I found space. Time to journal. Mornings to sleep in. It took about a month to stop feeling like I was missing a meeting somewhere. I feel more like myself than I have felt in a long time. My biggest issue was finances - as I looked at my goals. What if I had decided it was too much? Too hard to make happen?

I love my housemate. Love my new friends. There is this great area called the Village with restaurants and shops. The Pacific Coast Highway is about 30 miles away and has endless towns with beaches. I wonder if this is just a time of vacation, but I really think God is doing something bigger inside me. Sometimes you just need space.

Blood Diamond

I watched the movie tonight and really liked it. The movie had so many powerful elements. I am inspired to learn more about injustice around the world, see how I might be contributing, and STOP. There is one scene that I will remember for a sermon one day. I knew right away it would be an incredible illustration.

There is a father and son - the son is taken to be a child soldier. His father searches for him and finally finds him. The son has been brainwashed to believe that his parents are dead, they do not love him and he even carries a new name. His father tries to convince him of WHO he really is...and the scene is amazing.

He says something along these lines "I am your father. You are my son. This is your name. I am your father and I am taking you home. Your father will always love you. Your mother is waiting for you, your sisters are waiting, the cows are waiting. I am your father and I will always love you."

I think back to all the times that God has drawn me close to him, has reminded me of his love for me. All the times that he has carried me. How could I ever deny him? I know who I am because of Christ in my life. Because of that love I have known over and over, day by day. God loves me and I love God. There is no other love in my life that could take that place. I have given myself to God so many times - said that all I am is his. But tonight, I say it again. Everything I am, everything I'm not, it is all yours Lord. The love of my life.

Leadership gets complicated

I sat in on a meeting today just to observe. There are some changes being made that do not directly affect me, but are important to the university. I went to show support and to listen. I watched to see what leadership lessons I could learn. Here is what I gathered.

1. Conflict/ change is always in a context. The leaders explained how the current conflict had been brewing for 40 years. "Incubating" was the word they used. We see just the current situation, but there is a long history that is involved. As a leader - I have to be aware of the historical context. Imagine the mistakes that we make with a short-sighted, snapshot leadership perspective.
2. Institutions/ Organizations have so many competing needs/ loyalties. Admin have the responsibility to attract students, raise funds and manage the whole entity. Faculty are committed to their students, to growing in their own knowledge and following the lead of their admin (whether they agree or not). Students are the core of a university - without them, there is no one to teach. CGU has been one of the most student-centered schools I have EVER encountered. So, decisions are made in an effort to balance the struggle of these goals.
3. When a decision is made for you as a leader, people carefully watch how you respond. You do have choices, even when you feel powerless. Being a part of a system means that you "follow the leader." Sometimes you are not the leader that calls the shots - what do you do? Do you fight? Do you submit? Do you make a new path? How do you speak? I always think in terms of A or B, but often, there is a C choice I never suspected.
4. Everyone calls for interdependence and sharing of resources, but some very real challenges surface when you actually live it out. It is like multiculturalism. Everyone loves the idea, but the day-to-day reality is so hard. Every relationship, every decision and every conflict makes us decide if we really believe that our goals are worth it. Will we keep at the relationship and work...to make it work? Or will we decide it is too hard and walk away?
5. As the leader, you need to be ready to explore every detail of the situation. The more full your own knowledge can be, the greater chance you have of answering the random questions of others. Instead of avoiding the areas of conflict, we calmly face them. As something to be studied and learned.

Why blog?

So the blogging movement has been around for a long, long time...why join now? Since I moved to California, my mind is racing with thoughts. It seems I actually have time and space to think. But my thoughts have no where to land. I remember praying last week, when I was particularly angry at the Baptist world, and asking God what exactly I should do with all this energy? I work out like crazy, I talk to friends, I journal - but it isn't enough anymore. Then my friend Ellen asked me if I blog. Something clicked. So here I am.

Do people actually read blogs?

Well...whether they do or not, I'm going to write. I'm going to keep thinking and letting the ideas flow. This is my year of adventure and jubilee, why not?

No more apologies.